The 2008 Olympic Games weren't necessary for me to become skeptical of Jamaicans. It's hard not to be, when you and your wife disembark a cruise ship in Ocho Rios and they're trying to peddle you dope on the dock. Happened to us, all right.
But now that this beautiful Caribbean island suddenly has become the Roman Empire of track and field, it's enough to raise eyebrows to the point where only Neil Armstrong can trim them.
In Jamaica, they say it's their indigenous yams that make their athletes capable of running alongside Porsches. Really. As far as I know, the only time anyone's ever tested positive for yams was the day after Thanksgiving.
(Maybe eating your veggies can make you a fast football player. Maybe not. More on that in a bit.)
It's not the yams, OK? Did Jamaicans just start growing them this year? Nor is it the wonderful Blue Mountain coffee harvested in this land of 2.8 million fast, yam-eating, caffeine-slurping folks.
Can't count out voodoo. It is Jamaica.
I don't know what, but it seems every time a Jamaican runner has stepped on the track in Beijing, he or she suddenly has become Jesse Owens or Wilma Rudolph.
In the case of Usain Bolt, there are no comparisons, because there had to be a moment in his young life when, working in a lab, something exploded and he became superhuman.
Or, maybe the explanation for Bolt was that he was born in Krypton, Jamaica.
No question, my love affair with track has grown cold, although some glowing embers still remain. I can't watch an event without wondering if the athletes are clean. When looking at most Jamaicans, I can cool my tea with a finger.
But Bolt? I don't know. He's a freak. He's 6-foot-5 and he has run the 100 in 9.69 and the 200 in 19.30, both cherished world records, on Chinese soil. And he turned 22 this week. He has no idea what he's doing on the track, except running fast and showing off.
His is one of the most astonishing feats in the history of sports. I want to believe he's clean. He doesn't look the part of a juicer. Or a football player.
But Bolt is a sprinter, nothing more. Those who think an NFL team should sign him as a receiver – and they're out there – haven't paid attention during history class and aren't up to snuff on modern track athletes and what they can make.
They bring up Bob Hayes. But Hayes was a football player first, a sprinter second. Renaldo Nehemiah hardly was Jerry Rice. Remember when the Dolphins tried to see if Jim Hines could play football after winning the 100 in the 1968 Mexico City Games? There's a classic photo of him somewhere, dropping a lateral.
I'm not saying it can't happen, but it's a terribly difficult segue when there is no football experience. A team could stick Bolt outside and have him run deep. But he'd be nuts to try. He figures to make millions without getting beat up.
Still, it's kind of fun to think about, this tall drink of yamade lining up wide and flying downfield, NFL defensive backs getting a good look at his behind.
So I went to the two fastest Chargers, cornerbacks Antonio Cromartie and Cletis Gordon, and asked what it would be like lining up against Bolt. Cromartie not only is the NFL's greatest athlete, but also the fastest – in pads, which is what matters.
“I've run track,” said Cromartie, who did just that at Florida State. “But football and track are two different sports. You can be fast on the track and not on the field. There's football speed and track speed. I was a track guy, but I was always about football. I did track to stay in shape. It taught me how to run, to change speeds at different times, not lose speed at different times.
“But, for a guy to run 9.69, that's past astonishing. I don't know what to say.”
So, could he line up against Bolt?
“I don't know,” Cromartie says. “If that day ever comes, I'll take that shot.”
I wonder: Can he outrun everyone in the NFL?
“Yeah, I think I can,” Cromartie says. “I haven't even run my fastest on the field, to tell you the truth. If a receiver thinks he can beat me, I just get faster.”
But run with Bolt? Gordon, no tortoise, has doubts.
“Nah, the guy's running 9.69,” Gordon says. “Maybe for 10 or 20 yards I can keep up. I'm pretty sure no one in the world can run with him. When you run in a straight line, you're running in a straight line, no matter where you're running.
“Maybe Bolt's a good enough athlete to run routes. You'd have to double-team him, maybe play 10 or 15 yards off of him. Bolt. He's got the perfect name.”
So, can Antonio outrun Cletis?
“Yeah,” Cromartie says. “He already knows that.”
“I can run with Cro, definitely, anytime,” Gordon says. “We've had a couple of races. He beat me and I beat him.”
Still, they both have to eat a few yams to keep up with Usain Bolt.
Nick Canepa: (619) 293-1397; nick.canepa@uniontrib.com
